A Modern Lying-In
I can’t remember where I first came across the term “lying-in”, but it’s a concept that resonated with me deeply after my own experiences as a new mother. In the most simple terms, lying-in is the immediate postpartum phase when a new parent is given space to heal, rest, learn how to care for and bond with her baby. It’s a concept that’s present in so many cultures, each with their own traditions, but common themes include seclusion, rest and healing, and family or community support for the new parents. It’s a time of physical and mental healing. It’s a time to bond with baby. If you’re choosing to breast/chestfeed, it’s a time to establish breast/chestfeeding. It involves lots of skin-to-skin and rest and relaxation, however that looks for you. Perhaps not surprisingly, this time and space is not always available, especially in the US where the focus may often be around welcoming the new baby rather than supporting the new parent(s) and holding a space for their bonding. There can also be a pressure (internal and external) to get back to normal routines and for too many, an early return to work.
During my first pregnancy, I spent a lot of time researching all things pregnancy and birth, creating a birth plan, and researching and shopping for all the gear and supplies that I thought I would need for my new baby, but I spent little time thinking about my own postpartum needs. While it was more present in my mind the second time around, I still didn’t really have any sort of plan to meet those needs.
With all of this in mind, I created a plan for a modern lying-in - what I should/would have done to prepare for the postpartum period, knowing what I know now. I’m calling this a “modern” lying-in plan because it’s my intention for it to be highly adaptable for your own unique needs - that may include very traditional elements of a lying-in from your own culture or not - what serves one family during this time, may not serve another at all, and that’s ok! Hopefully you can think through the considerations I’ve laid out, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Read on for the building blocks (in no particular order) of a modern lying-in, some examples from my own experiences, and then download the free template below to start your own planning.
Timeframe: decide how much time you can dedicate to a true lying-in, having this in mind ahead of time can help you communicate with your partner, your friends, family, and helpers. Generally, during this time you won’t be leaving the house except for medical appointments or walks (if that’s something that will make you feel good). You shouldn’t be doing household chores and you shouldn’t be “hosting” visitors who want to meet the baby, only your support people should be stopping by. See my guide to visiting new parents for more tips.
If you’re not planning to follow a cultural tradition with a prescribed amount of time I would recommend taking as much time as possible. If you’re really unsure, I would start at a minimum of 1-2 weeks and if you need more you can add on later. If that seems like a really long time to be in seclusion, I would say, just keep an open mind on this one, time moves in mysterious ways when you have a brand new baby to care for.
Food: What food will help fuel you and/or comfort you? What foods are quick, easy, filling, and require little prep to eat? I didn’t make freezer meals or meal prep ahead of time, but I did have a few foods in mind that I knew would make me happy and keep me fueled during this time. Also, designate someone to cook and prepare meals other than yourself. Maybe it’s a partner, maybe it’s a meal train, maybe it’s a family member, or maybe you decide ahead of time to invest in a meal service or lots of takeout - commit to this ahead of time so there are no feelings of guilt when the time comes and/or so you can financially plan for this option.
My postpartum meals looked like this:
Overnight oats prepped for the week so all I had to do was add fruit and yogurt.
Kale salad that lasts for days and I could quickly scoop into a bowl or eat bites straight from the Tupperware.
Double batch of veggie chili, which also freezes well.
One handed, easy snacks like these muffins, energy bites/lactation bites, fresh fruit
Plus lots of ice cream and a smattering of takeout.
Identify Helpers: Discuss what you might need help with and reach out to helpers to schedule them and provide instructions ahead of time. This could be so varied depending on what you need, but for me examples include:
Entertaining my toddler and giving her lots of attention so I could let go of all theguilt that I wasn’t spending time with her; walking the dog; cleaning/tidying; meal prep; laundry; accompanying/driving me to appointments.
If you don’t have friends or family near, decide what you can afford to hire out. Can you hire a dog walker, can you send out your laundry, or hire a cleaning service before you start your lying-in? This is a luxury for most, certainly for our family, but it’s for a very limited period of time, and a wise investment, in my opinion. COVID obviously complicates this, if you have a partner, discuss what they can take on during this bonding period if you’re not able to bring anyone from outside your household in.
Plan for your physical needs: Stock up on supplies you may need like maxi pads, peri bottle, nursing pads, a huge water bottle, and/or nipple cream. There are few companies out there offering postpartum recovery essentials kit, but you can obviously pull together your own supplies easily. Keep in mind the hospital will provide you with lots of extras to take home including maxi pads/adult diapers and disposable mesh undies. I wish I had invested in some sort of basket or caddy to keep all my supplies contained and to make it easy to carry with me from bathroom to bedroom.
Gather nursing supplies: If you’re planning to breast/chestfeed you also may want to have a separate caddy for nursing supplies, or a small cart if you’re pumping to roll from room to room. I saw this idea on Karrie Locher’s instagram, and wish I had done it myself. Things to include might be burp clothes, water bottle, non-phone related entertainment like a book, notebook and pen, pump, nursing pads, Hakka breast pump, nail file and clippers for baby, nursing pillow, nursing pads. Check out Karrie’s account for a full list and lots of other tips.
Line up entertainment: The first few weeks with a new baby can feel incredibly lonely. When my son had day/night confusion his first week at home I essentially pulled all nighters and slept for most of the day. I hardly interacted with my husband or toddler at all. I quickly became sick of endlessly scrolling my phone and turned to lighthearted Netflix series to entertain me at night and make me feel less lonely. I also downloaded some easy thrillers, comedic essays, and romance novels to my kindle. Do the research ahead of time so that when you’re totally sleep deprived and brain dead you don’t have to search for new content. If you have some fun entertainment saved up it can also make time spent nursing or rocking baby something to anticipate.
Create a loungwear wardrobe: If you don’t already have this, consider investing in a few things that will make you feel cozy and remind me you that this time is for just simply laying around - comfy sleep/nursing bras, a robe, joggers or pajama pants, and tops that make breast/chestfeeding and skin-to-skin very accessible.
Likewise baby should be in soft, simple basics that make diaper changes and skin to skin easy. Layinne newborn sets are designed with just this in mind!
Also consider investing in an extra set of sheets or towels - hormonal night sweats and all kind of bodily fluids are just a natural part of this time. Be prepared so you can be as comfortable as possible.
Mental Health Care: Prepare yourself with a list of contacts in case you need professional support, especially with mental health including postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. Educate yourself ahead of time so that you and your partner or support people know what to look for. Some things you may wish to consider:
Do you have a therapist that you can schedule phone or video sessions with?
Could you hire a postpartum doula or if you used a birth doula how many postpartum visits are planned?
Bookmark Postpartum Support International which also offers a 24/7 hotline
Research local postpartum support networks or new parent peer groups in your area.
Identify breast/chestfeeding support options, including lactation consultants or support groups.
Decide what you will let go of ( I can’t stress this one enough): Examples include returning texts, emails, calls; tidying up; hosting visitors; to do lists; productivity.
Commit to just being with your baby. Commit to asking for help. Commit to healing your body. Commit to bonding as a new family unit. Create a mantra if this is something that may be helpful to you. I found myself often with a racing mind going over and over my to do list and I wish I had created a mantra to calm myself in these moment. Here are some examples that would have been helpful for me personally. Use, adapt, add your own, or skip entirely!
This time is a priceless gift to myself and my baby.
I honor my body and all it has done for me and my baby with this time to rest.
My baby needs my presence and my touch - the rest will follow
This is (so fucking) hard and I will ask for help when I need it - I will let others take care of me so I can take care of my baby.
I hope this plan can help you or someone you know make the most of this truly unique and special time. Above all else, take what you want and leave the rest. If you’re social and crave company, do that - there is no one right way to do a modern lying-in, except for listening carefully to your own needs and what will best help you heal, mentally and physically, and bond with and care for your new baby.
Coverphoto via Justin Warias (@justinwarias)